What does it feel like to be 12 years old and want to die?

I know about this because it happened to me. The other day I read about an 10 year old boy who committed suicide. In his state of Ohio in 2017 one hundred and eleven people younger than 18 had killed themselves. I tried to think back and remember what I was feeling at that time. Bullying, parent problems and poor grades were the main reasons for my sadness. I can see now that there was some kid depression there also. I say kid depression because I think it presents different in kids than adults.
There was a hole in my heart were my soul, heart and life was leaking out of me. I felt that I was ALL ALONE with no one to talk to and no one who cared. As a child you don’t have the skills and knowledge in how to help yourself.
The night I tried to kill myself at 12 I was crying really hard. My heart was hurting and I was so sad. I was alone in my room. I keep hearing in my mind that I was a mistake to be alive and NOBODY loved me. I wanted the heart pain to stop. So I took and bunch of my prescription allergy pills. After I took a bunch of them I was scared and crying so I went downstairs to my parent’s room. I went back to my room and cried. I cried myself to sleep. The next morning when I woke up I was so angry that I was still alive.
How did I know about taking my own life at 12 years old? I never had any experience with it at all. Never knew anyone who had committed suicide but yet I knew I wanted to do that to myself. Other people would not have known how I was feeling deep inside. There were no obvious clues to my teachers, my neighbors or church. I only knew I needed an outlet for my pain and grief. The grief was from rejection. Rejection was very overwhelming to me. It hurt sooo bad. I internalized it.


Not only does bullying cause internal pain to the victim but it also causes fear and terror to torment them as well. It’s so destructive to a child or an adult. I have to add adult because as an adult I’m still getting bullied. And what also happens is that all the bullying that was ever done to me gets clumped together sometimes in my mind and I have to then deal with it all over again. As an adult I know what I have to do to shake the pain it causes, but as a kid you don’t have those skills so the pain just stays in your heart.
People are shocked and extremely pained when a child commits suicide. So the question is what can be done? I think some kids may cry out for help but most don’t so people around them have to look for clues. Even then it could be extremely hard to tell. Nobody really know what someone is feeling in their heart. There are parents who are tuned in with their kids and other parent just might not be able to discern their kid’s inner feelings. No one should feel guilty about other another person’s deep internal sorrow because people can really hide emotions.


Recently some kids who are hurting want to hurt others. (School shootings) This is a disturbing trend. I feel much of it is bought on by hurt feelings and depression. They internalize it like I did. They want to be violent with their pain and strike out at others so they justify their acts with their inner pain. So we need to figure out a way to reach children who are hurting emotionally.
suicide 2
As for me….I’m so glad that I wasn’t successful. I have a wonderful husband, 6 great children and one granddaughter. God had plans for my life. I’ve shared my story of my road back from suicide and depression with sooo many people. Hopefully my story can save another’s life.  Psalms 34:18 The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

After I finished writing this blog a few days ago the fashion designer Kate Spade committed suicide. Depression can be a killer disorder. Mental illness is a horrible and deadly disease. Let’s all pray for those who are afflicted with mental illness.


suicide 3