For as long as I can remember I have always felt there was something different about me. I could tell this because of how other people have and do treat me. Even as a toddler I felt tired all the time. I took lots of naps around the age of 3-4. Even in nursery school I remember being tired. I was not athletic and have always had low energy. I had very weak ankles and sprained my ankle really bad as a little girl. I was always sick with lots of sore throat issues. I was always at the doctor with some illness and on antibiotics.
In my teenage years I had leg and body pain and headaches. In school teacher classified me as being smart but lazy. My school work was awful and I almost got left back. I was bullied from elementary school to High school which still stays with me to this very day. The wounds have healed but the scars are still there. I had few friends. At the age of 12 I tried to commit suicide and thought of it often. I felt like I was a mistake to be born.
It took years to overcome these negative things in my life…but I thank God for seeing me though everything and even using my suffering to change me in my heart to see others who are suffering and have great compassion for them. Every day is still a battle because I still suffer with several illnesses that has affected my health and personality. It has affected how others see me and interact with me. Because I never feel well it has caused me to be very quiet at times and needing to rest a lot. There are many times I just don’t feel like talking or being bothered. I have to constantly deal with how I feel from one minute to the next and being in pain all day everyday. I have learned how to adapt. I’ve learned to rest a lot and try hard not to overdo things daily which can be very isolating at times.
I have a hard time showing emotions. It’s very hard to be jovial and animated when you don’t feel well. Since I have a hard time with verbalizing emotions, I have adopted a habit of doing things for others for two reasons. One…to encourage people and two to show the people I care about that I love them. It’s my way. It’s who I am and how I’ve learn to express myself. For those I care about….they just know I love them. In my world where words don’t come easily… I’ve made my way of expressing my love for others work for me.
I have lost many friends and family who could not deal with who I am. There are few people in my daily world. These are very personal thoughts that I have and I feel I want to share them with you at this time in my life. I recently have had to understand with some things about myself. I have had to understand how this life long illness has affected who I am. I’ve looked at those who have hated me and those who love me. I have checked my heart to make sure I have forgiven all and I hold those close who have loved me regardless of my unique nature. I’m very thankful for the very best friend I have ever had and will ever have and that is Jesus Christ. He is who sustains me every day. My comforter, guide and greatest supporter and nurturer is the Holy Spirit who fills me up every day. I’m so thankful for His constant presence.
Emotionally and physically my life has been a challenge…but I would not change anything at all. It’s who God has allowed me to be. All of my suffering has made me look to God so much for my help that it actually has lead me right to the foot of Gods throne in humility and worship. I praise God for so much grace and for every victory He’s given me to make it through all the challenges. All of these trials has also made me truly grateful for the new body and life I will have with my Father forever. I will be perfect in every way when I get to heaven! I will be changed by our creator into a glorified body. His transformation has already started in my spiritman and will be completed one day soon. Thank you Jesus!!!
There are people now who see me as God sees me… like my wonderful husband. How does this man survive with me and love me the way he does? I know he sees Jesus in me and I know his heart is full of the love of God because of the way he treats me and loves me.
I’m sure there are many people out there like me. One of these people may be your mother or father, sister or brother, kids, husband. We are not people who seem to be standoffish, snooty or stuck up. We are people who because of a variety of reasons act somewhat differently from what people classify as the “norm”. Everybody wants and needs to be loved. There is a great scripture that I’d like to leave you with….
1 Corinthians 13:4-7
4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Matthew 22:36-40 Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?”
37 Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’38 This is the first and greatest commandment. 39 And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ 40 All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.”