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I’m going to kill myself!!

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I am going to kill myself blog

Yup!…that’s what I use to think every day for many years from about 1962-1982!!  Thank God I’m still here and here’s my story:

I am going to share something today that the Lord told me yesterday to share with you.  It’s very very personal and I have not told this publicly in detail like this before.  It’s very hard for me to relive this and share this story.    I’m sure the Lord has His purpose for this and I pray that it will be a blessing to someone who needs to hear it.

For  the first 32 years of my life (I’m 60 years old now) I felt very unhappy and sad inside.  By the time I was 12 years old… all I thought about was that I was a mistake to have been born.   I hurt inside and I didn’t want to be here on this earth anymore.  My first suicide attempt was when I was about 12 years old… I took a bunch of my allergy pills.  The next morning I was shocked to wake up and still be alive.

I noticed people didn’t really like me and I surely didn’t like myself at all.  When I was 18 I tried to go to college….failed.  Tried to keep a job…failed.  Everything I did in my life was a failure.  I didn’t know it at the time but I had and still have a learning disability and chronic illnesses which I know contributed to my situation.

I was a married woman with 3 daughter’s ages from 1 yrs old to 8 and I was suffering with major depression every day.  My sadness was unshakeable.  I cried off and on all day every day and I also suffered with extreme chronic fatigue.  My husband was so patient and kind and understanding and stood by my side through all of this.  I thank God for Him!

A few years went by and I managed to raise my girls.  They never knew these things about me when they were little.  I was super mom to them.  There were lots of days I had no energy and I thank my mom… for taking them to the park several times a week.   There were other friends who would treat my kids to special outings or take them for a few days.   My depression and suicidal thoughts were starting to get much worse.

I am going to kill myself blog.eye

Then the worst event happened.  This one day…I was so depressed that I just wanted out of the internal pain.  I felt very very hopeless.  I was not a committed Christian although I had gotten saved watching Billy Graham as a child and I did love God very much…but I was not committed to Him.

I was crying all day long .  While two of my girls were in school, I decided to kill myself.  I wasn’t thinking clearly at all.  I put my 3 year old daughter down for her afternoon nap and I then went into the kitchen and got a long kitchen knife and turned it backwards and started to stick it in my chest so that it would go through my heart.  As I pushed it into my skin…my 3 year old daughter tapped me on my leg and said “mommy”.  I dropped the knife and picked her up hugged her and cried.

I never heard her come down the stairs and walk up on me.  Bad thoughts come in your head trying to get you to harm yourself. You feel totally hopeless!  You feel as if nobody in this world understands your despair. You are in a trance! Reality is blocked from your mind!  All you can see and feel is the pain and nothing else around you.  You don’t even realize what you’re about to do!  You don’t even care if it’s going to hurt!  I called my husband at work and he rushed right home.  That day I knew I needed  emergency help.  I had gotten counseling before and it didn’t help…so this time I decided to sign myself into a mental institution.

That was one of the worst days of my life!!!!!  I left my 3 beautiful girls and signed my life away for a month to try to get the help that I needed.  Let me tell you…it was a total shock to me.  When I got there I thought I was really crazy and I was very embarrassed !!  When they take you in they take away everything you have. They have to check you out for marks so that no one can say they injured you.  I was in the suicide watch unit so I was being monitored 24 hours a day.  I was just so embarrassed to be there…but I knew that I needed to be because I was going to take my life in the worst way.  After counseling, therapy and weeks in the hospital I was released.  When I got home I was no better!!

A thought came to my mind of the only person that I thought might be able to help me.  Someone tried to tell me about Jesus a few years before and had basically beaten me over the head with the bible.  They did  give me a bible to keep.   I had a talk with God and told Him that if He didn’t help me out that I was not going to be here because I was going to check out of here on my own.  I cried really hard as I felt I was at my total end.  I opened the bible and it opened to Psalms 86.  I read and cried and reread it and cried.  My tears fell on that page and soaked that bible.  And then something incredible happened to me.   I was healed of depression at that moment but didn’t know it then.  Let me explain this.

I had always been a crafty person and someone had given me a dozen of silk roses when I was in the hospital.  I cut them up and made corsages out of them and sold them all.  Then I bought more flowers and some how to books on floral design and made many more floral arrangements.  Then a friend asked me to do the flowers for her wedding and I did that.  I started making floral arrangements and was selling them.   On the weekends my husband, our kids and I would sell at the big craft fairs.  Before I knew it the depression was almost gone.  And then…the best thing that EVER happen to me happened….I became a committed Christian.  I gave myself over to the Lord 100%!!!!  My family and I joined a wonderful church and learned about God…we were nurtured by loving Christian people….and then we told everybody that we could about what happen to us.  Many family members and friends came to the Lord too.

Guess what?  I was completely healed from depression!!!!!  No more internal pain….No more hopelessness!  No more hating myself!  No more confusion in my mind…I HAD PEACE!!!! I have peace!

I want to tell you that today 2013….I am happy!!!!  I am so happy!!!!  I know the purpose for my life!…I feel God’s love for me!….and I know where I’m going when I transition from this earth!!!!  I get Gods mercies new EVERY morning when I wake up…I get peace for my mind….I get grace to see me through EVERY situation that I face….and I have hope!!!!  I have Jesus Christ to thank for this!  Many of you who follow my blog know how much I love the Lord because I say it often.  This testimony is one of the  reasons why I love Him so much.

[I just want to say here that God deals with us as individuals and may use a different method to help you.  You may need counseling and medication for a time or He might do something different but I know that asking God for help is the key]

God told me that I was always knocking on the door of hell trying to get in and He had to keep sending the angels after me every time I tried to kill myself.  I thank God that I am in my right mind today!!!!  What a miracle!!!  I love this mighty and powerful supernatural being…I love my God…My Father in Heaven and I worship the ground He walks on!!!!!!

I am going to kill myself blog i love God

Romans 10:9  That if you confess with your mouth, “Jesus is Lord,” and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.

Isaiah 26:3 You will keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on you: because he trusts in you.

John 14:23 Jesus replied, “If anyone loves me, he will obey my teaching. My Father will love him, and we will come to him and make our home with him.

1John 4:19  We love because he first loved us.

Tanya August 2017

This is me Tanya Nemley healed by the Grace of God!

 

I am going to kill myself blog last

 

A PRAYER FOR ANYONE SUFFERING FROM DEPRESSION RIGHT NOW…….

Father God…the person reading this right now is in need of your help.  God…they are feeling very sad and hopeless.  It seems there’s no sunny days for them and they have tried so many different things for help.  I pray that through their sadness that they will call on you for help.  Your very own Son cried to you for help when He was here on earth.

I ask you to sent help to every person who is seeking you for peace in their mind.  It’s so hard for them to cope but it’s not hard for you to heal.  Lord…hear their cry and dry their tears.  Heal their hurting heart.  Give them a good sleep tonight.  Let them feel your love.  Cover them with your grace.  Thank you God for healing me when I cried out to you for help..  Thank you in advance for the healing that people who read this prayer and believed for a healing and received it.  I ask these things in Jesus name…Amen.

                         Hang in there!!!!  OK?

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Depression Sometimes Can Happen…Personal story

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Depression….Darkness….Despair

 

 

Psalms 42:5-6 Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.

I used to be ashamed of this story I’m about to share with you….but I don’t care anymore because life is short and if my story can help someone….then I’m going to tell it.

I can remember being depressed and suicidal as a child and then as an adult. I’m not going to get into the dark details about it because then you will get down hearing my sad story. I will tell you that depression is a very dark hole that swallows you up. You cry a lot and feel you are all alone and that there is not one person who understands your internal pain. When you look out from your depressed eyes you see dark, gray, and blackness….nothing is bright…nothing is joyful or happy.

The worse part of depression is the total hopelessness. I tell you…a person cannot live and survive with no hope. You just keep sinking and sinking into a valley of dry bones screaming silently in your dismal pain and internal agony.  Now I’m getting down just describing this very sad place to be in….But I’ve got a great…no… fantastic….  a good ending to this story.

One day when I was at my lowest point in 1982… I knew I wasn’t going to last much longer in this state of mind. I had tried therapy, medication…everything…nothing helped…but I hadn’t tried God.  Someone had given me a Good News bible and I had never read it….but one day I decided to give it a try. I didn’t know what to read so I thumbed through the book of Psalms until I got to Psalms 86:

1 Hear me, LORD, and answer me,
for I am poor and needy.
2 Guard my life, for I am faithful to you;
save your servant who trusts in you.
You are my God; 3 have mercy on me, Lord,
for I call to you all day long.

4 Bring joy to your servant, Lord,
for I put my trust in you.
5 You, Lord, are forgiving and good,
abounding in love to all who call to you.

6 Hear my prayer, LORD;
listen to my cry for mercy.
7 When I am in distress, I call to you,
because you answer me.
8 Among the gods there is none like you, Lord;
no deeds can compare with yours.

9 All the nations you have made
will come and worship before you, Lord;
they will bring glory to your name.
10 For you are great and do marvelous deeds;
you alone are God.

11 Teach me your way, LORD,
that I may rely on your faithfulness;
give me an undivided heart,
that I may fear your name.
12 I will praise you, Lord my God, with all my heart;
I will glorify your name forever.
13 For great is your love toward me;
you have delivered me from the depths,
from the realm of the dead.

I read this Psalm and cried over this page in my bible until it was soaked. I asked God to help me. This was the beginning of an amazing transformation. I was always artistic and loved making things. I started making corsages with some silk flowers someone had given me and from there floral arrangements. I bought some how to books from a craft store and did my first wedding and then many more weddings. Then I started doing craft shows……wait a minute…where was the depression? Going going, gone!!! One day I realized that I wasn’t crying, sad or feeling down. It was amazing!! God had healed me of depression and I was happy. I didn’t even know how it felt to be happy every day. What an odd feeling!!

I will never ever forget this awesome miracle God did for me. After this I threw myself at the feet of Jesus Christ who made all this possible for me and I have never left His feet since. I will bow before the Lord all the days of my life.

If you need a healing from depression miracle God may not answer you the exact way He answered my prayer otherwise everybody would be making floral arrangements LOL……but the Lord will help you if you call out to Him. He will help you in a way that’s best for you. It might be instantaneously or over a period of time.

If you are reading this and have a very serious situation please seek medical help right away.

If you suffer from depression seek help and get a plan for yourself….Ask Jesus to help you and follow His lead. I suggest you talk to a pastor for spiritual counseling on this matter. Look for a good solid bible believing church and go. There is a way out of your suffering… for me…..it was the faith that I was raised up with as a child that caused me to look to the only person in the world that could help me…..Jesus Christ!

Do what David says in the scripture above…. “Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.”
It wasn’t by chance you can across this blog today…….I want to pray for you:

“Dear God,
I’m asking you to help everyone who reads this blog today who is suffering from depression. Lord I know what you have done for me and I know you can heal people from this very sad and painful mental illness. You said in 1 Peter 5:7 that we should cast all our care on you because you care about us. I pray that the person reading along with this prayer has made Jesus Christ a apart of their life and that they will put their hope in you. Thank you for the miracles that I know you will do. In Jesus Name…Amen”

 

You Can Be Happy

Message for today: There is hope for depression….get a tissue…blow your nose…wipe your face…. Pray….ask for the Lord’s help……..dust off that bible or go buy one……get moving….Help is on the way……..I care about you…that’s why I wrote this blog because I know what you’re feeling….but so much more than me….God cares about you!

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