Yup!…that’s what I use to think every day for many years from about 1962-1982!! Thank God I’m still here and here’s my story:
I am going to share something today that the Lord told me yesterday to share with you. It’s very very personal and I have not told this publicly in detail like this before. It’s very hard for me to relive this and share this story. I’m sure the Lord has His purpose for this and I pray that it will be a blessing to someone who needs to hear it.
For the first 32 years of my life (I’m 60 years old now) I felt very unhappy and sad inside. By the time I was 12 years old… all I thought about was that I was a mistake to have been born. I hurt inside and I didn’t want to be here on this earth anymore. My first suicide attempt was when I was about 12 years old… I took a bunch of my allergy pills. The next morning I was shocked to wake up and still be alive.
I noticed people didn’t really like me and I surely didn’t like myself at all. When I was 18 I tried to go to college….failed. Tried to keep a job…failed. Everything I did in my life was a failure. I didn’t know it at the time but I had and still have a learning disability and chronic illnesses which I know contributed to my situation.
I was a married woman with 3 daughter’s ages from 1 yrs old to 8 and I was suffering with major depression every day. My sadness was unshakeable. I cried off and on all day every day and I also suffered with extreme chronic fatigue. My husband was so patient and kind and understanding and stood by my side through all of this. I thank God for Him!
A few years went by and I managed to raise my girls. They never knew these things about me when they were little. I was super mom to them. There were lots of days I had no energy and I thank my mom… for taking them to the park several times a week. There were other friends who would treat my kids to special outings or take them for a few days. My depression and suicidal thoughts were starting to get much worse.
Then the worst event happened. This one day…I was so depressed that I just wanted out of the internal pain. I felt very very hopeless. I was not a committed Christian although I had gotten saved watching Billy Graham as a child and I did love God very much…but I was not committed to Him.
I was crying all day long . While two of my girls were in school, I decided to kill myself. I wasn’t thinking clearly at all. I put my 3 year old daughter down for her afternoon nap and I then went into the kitchen and got a long kitchen knife and turned it backwards and started to stick it in my chest so that it would go through my heart. As I pushed it into my skin…my 3 year old daughter tapped me on my leg and said “mommy”. I dropped the knife and picked her up hugged her and cried.
I never heard her come down the stairs and walk up on me. Bad thoughts come in your head trying to get you to harm yourself. You feel totally hopeless! You feel as if nobody in this world understands your despair. You are in a trance! Reality is blocked from your mind! All you can see and feel is the pain and nothing else around you. You don’t even realize what you’re about to do! You don’t even care if it’s going to hurt! I called my husband at work and he rushed right home. That day I knew I needed emergency help. I had gotten counseling before and it didn’t help…so this time I decided to sign myself into a mental institution.
That was one of the worst days of my life!!!!! I left my 3 beautiful girls and signed my life away for a month to try to get the help that I needed. Let me tell you…it was a total shock to me. When I got there I thought I was really crazy and I was very embarrassed !! When they take you in they take away everything you have. They have to check you out for marks so that no one can say they injured you. I was in the suicide watch unit so I was being monitored 24 hours a day. I was just so embarrassed to be there…but I knew that I needed to be because I was going to take my life in the worst way. After counseling, therapy and weeks in the hospital I was released. When I got home I was no better!!
A thought came to my mind of the only person that I thought might be able to help me. Someone tried to tell me about Jesus a few years before and had basically beaten me over the head with the bible. They did give me a bible to keep. I had a talk with God and told Him that if He didn’t help me out that I was not going to be here because I was going to check out of here on my own. I cried really hard as I felt I was at my total end. I opened the bible and it opened to Psalms 86. I read and cried and reread it and cried. My tears fell on that page and soaked that bible. And then something incredible happened to me. I was healed of depression at that moment but didn’t know it then. Let me explain this.
I had always been a crafty person and someone had given me a dozen of silk roses when I was in the hospital. I cut them up and made corsages out of them and sold them all. Then I bought more flowers and some how to books on floral design and made many more floral arrangements. Then a friend asked me to do the flowers for her wedding and I did that. I started making floral arrangements and was selling them. On the weekends my husband, our kids and I would sell at the big craft fairs. Before I knew it the depression was almost gone. And then…the best thing that EVER happen to me happened….I became a committed Christian. I gave myself over to the Lord 100%!!!! My family and I joined a wonderful church and learned about God…we were nurtured by loving Christian people….and then we told everybody that we could about what happen to us. Many family members and friends came to the Lord too.
Guess what? I was completely healed from depression!!!!! No more internal pain….No more hopelessness! No more hating myself! No more confusion in my mind…I HAD PEACE!!!! I have peace!
I want to tell you that today 2013….I am happy!!!! I am so happy!!!! I know the purpose for my life!…I feel God’s love for me!….and I know where I’m going when I transition from this earth!!!! I get Gods mercies new EVERY morning when I wake up…I get peace for my mind….I get grace to see me through EVERY situation that I face….and I have hope!!!! I have Jesus Christ to thank for this! Many of you who follow my blog know how much I love the Lord because I say it often. This testimony is one of the reasons why I love Him so much.
[I just want to say here that God deals with us as individuals and may use a different method to help you. You may need counseling and medication for a time or He might do something different but I know that asking God for help is the key]
God told me that I was always knocking on the door of hell trying to get in and He had to keep sending the angels after me every time I tried to kill myself. I thank God that I am in my right mind today!!!! What a miracle!!! I love this mighty and powerful supernatural being…I love my God…My Father in Heaven and I worship the ground He walks on!!!!!!
Romans 10:9 That if you confess with your mouth, “Jesus is Lord,” and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.
Isaiah 26:3 You will keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on you: because he trusts in you.
John 14:23 Jesus replied, “If anyone loves me, he will obey my teaching. My Father will love him, and we will come to him and make our home with him.
1John 4:19 We love because he first loved us.