This is who I am


Tanya 2015


For as long as I can remember I have always felt there was something different about me. I could tell this because of how other people have and do treat me. Even as a toddler I felt tired all the time. I took lots of naps around the age of 3-4. Even in nursery school I remember being tired. I was not athletic and have always had low energy. I had very weak ankles and sprained my ankle really bad as a little girl. I was always sick with lots of sore throat issues. I was always at the doctor with some illness and on antibiotics.

In my teenage years I had leg and body pain and headaches. In school teacher classified me as being smart but lazy. My school work was awful and I almost got left back. I was bullied from elementary school to High school which still stays with me to this very day. The wounds have healed but the scars are still there. I had few friends. At the age of 12 I tried to commit suicide and thought of it often. I felt like I was a mistake to be born.

It took years to overcome these negative things in my life…but I thank God for seeing me though everything and even using my suffering to change me in my heart to see others who are suffering and have great compassion for them. Every day is still a battle because I still suffer with several illnesses that has affected my health and personality. It has affected how others see me and interact with me. Because I never feel well it has caused me to be very quiet at times and needing to rest a lot. There are many times I just don’t feel like talking or being bothered.  I have to constantly deal with how I feel from one minute to the next and being in pain all day everyday. I have learned how to adapt. I’ve learned to rest a lot and try hard not to overdo things daily which can be very isolating at times.

I have a hard time showing emotions. It’s very hard to be jovial and animated when you don’t feel well. Since I have a hard time with verbalizing emotions, I have adopted a habit of doing things for others for two reasons. One…to encourage people and two to show the people I care about that I love them. It’s my way. It’s who I am and how I’ve learn to express myself. For those I care about….they just know I love them. In my world where words don’t come easily… I’ve made my way of expressing my love for others work for me.


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Jesus IS our very best friend!!!!!!



I have lost many friends and family who could not deal with who I am. There are few people in my daily world. These are very personal thoughts that I have and I feel I want to share them with you at this time in my life. I recently have had to understand with some things about myself. I have had to understand how this life long illness has affected who I am. I’ve looked at those who have hated me and those who love me. I have checked my heart to make sure I have forgiven all and I hold those close who have loved me regardless of my unique nature. I’m very thankful for the very best friend I have ever had and will ever have and that is Jesus Christ. He is who sustains me every day. My comforter, guide and greatest supporter and nurturer is the Holy Spirit who fills me up every day.  I’m so thankful for His constant presence.

Emotionally and physically my life has been a challenge…but I would not change anything at all. It’s who God has allowed me to be. All of my suffering has made me look to God so much for my help that it actually has lead me right to the foot of Gods throne in humility and worship. I praise God for so much grace and for every victory He’s given me to make it through all the challenges. All of these trials has also made me truly grateful for the new body and life I will have with my Father forever. I will be perfect in every way when I get to heaven! I will be changed by our creator into a glorified body. His transformation has already started in my spiritman and will be completed one day soon. Thank you Jesus!!!

There are people now who see me as God sees me… like my wonderful husband. How does this man survive with me and love me the way he does? I know he sees Jesus in me and I know his heart is full of the love of God because of the way he treats me and loves me.

I’m sure there are many people out there like me. One of these people may be your mother or father, sister or brother, kids, husband. We are not people who seem to be standoffish, snooty or stuck up. We are people who because of a variety of reasons act somewhat differently from what people classify as the “norm”. Everybody wants and needs to be loved. There is a great scripture that I’d like to leave you with….

1 Corinthians 13:4-7

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Matthew 22:36-40 Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?”

37 Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’38 This is the first and greatest commandment. 39 And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.40 All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.”


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When I die…..


when i die


I’m in my prayer closet….well just coming out of it and most of my prayer time has been just telling God how incredible He is and how much I want to be with Him. 1% of me wants to be here on earth when I’m in my prayer closet and 99% wants to be with God. When I’m not in my prayer closet it’s more like 25% wants to be here and 75% want to be with God.

When I’m in my prayer closet…I’m barely here on earth emotionally and spiritually. It’s that intense. Why and what happens? LOVE!! The love of God and the communication we have at that time is overpowering to me. I seek Him and He’s there!

God the Father, Jesus and the Holy Spirit are EVERYTHING to me! I’m truly thankful for the earthly relationships He has given me (husband, children, family and friends) but God and His love for me is so overwhelming in my life that it makes me long for heaven. I love God with every cell in my body. I love Him with every emotion I have and everything in my brain. There are no words to describe how much God loves me and how much I love Him. (God loves us ALL like that! Just seek Him and you will find Him.)

Celebrate eternal life!  Thank you Jesus!

Celebrate eternal life! Thank you Jesus!

So when I die….when my physical body is alive no more….I want my family and friends to really celebrate my HOMEGOING! No flowers…just balloons…No sad songs…just Songs of Gods praise and Joy. I want scriptures of hope and promise. I want testimonies on the victories I’ve had in my life. I want hope of an eternal future for all who call out to Jesus for forgiveness. I want to be with my Father in Heaven and I want all those I love to be with me there one day also.

You may think to yourself….”this is a strange blog from Tanya today”. But I tell you this….I can’t help it and don’t want to help it because I can’t wait to see the Love of my life. I dream about seeing the face of my God. I can feel His presence when I’m deep in my prayer close and it just makes me want to run into His loving arms. He thought of me in His mind and then He created me. He gave me life. He befriended me. He established a personal relationship with me. He put a part of Himself in me and this unbelievable being lives inside of me and His name is….Holy Spirit. I depend on Him for everything in every area of my life. He NEVER leaves my side!!!!! He reveals the secret things of God to me. I’m overwhelmed at all God has done to make Himself real to me and He keeps in communication with me 24/7.

The thing that touches me the most out of all of this is the amount of love He has for me!! I can’t get enough of it!

So when I die….be happy for me….I won’t be thinking about you at all…LOL! Because….I will be in my Father’s arms!!!!!!!!!!!

2 Corinthians 5:8 We are confident, I say, and would prefer to be away from the body and at home with the Lord.

Philippians 1:23 I am torn between the two: I desire to depart and be with Christ, which is better by far;


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Surrounded by Love this morning



3 in one

While I was in prayer this morning…I got a group hug from God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit. They hugged me!!! They surrounded me. I was in the middle. I felt so loved and protected. I felt each one of their love for me individually and then I felt one God in three persons at the same time. I have a relationship with all three persons in the trinity and throughout my life they have been there for me!!! Each one is so powerful in what they do in my life and who they are!!! But at the same time I know they are God. God is the most unique being in the entire universe!!! He is one God in three persons. It’s hard to wrap your mind around our unique God and it’s taken me years to develop a relationship with each person in the trinity…but I know them…I know Him.

How I know Him:

  1. I know Him because of the bible.

  2. I know Him because of my prayer life.

  3. I know Him from being taught as a child and then from my experiences from salvation and through trials.

  4. I know Him through the many victories I’ve experienced.

  5. I know him from the love and joys I feel from Him.

  6. I know Him through my praise and worship of Him!

  7. I know Him because of the Holy Spirit in me.


I’ve written this message straight from my prayer closet. This blog comes from todays prayer and worship flowing with good sanctifying tears. I love the Lord so so so so much and my prayer is that everyone will take in the unique experiences that we are allowed to have with the greatest and most power being in the universe…THE …”I AM”….God!!!!!

1 John 5:7 For there are three that bear record in heaven, the Father, the Word, and the Holy Ghost: and these three are one.

Mathew 28:18 Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit,


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Fifty Shades of WHAT???


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Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth! For your love is better than wine: your anointing oils are fragrant; your name is oil poured out; therefore virgins love you.  Draw me after you; let us run. The king has brought me into his chambers. (Song of Solomon 1:1-4)


I pray that you did not read the book “Fifty Shades of Gray” and I hope you don’t go to see the movie. I heard the book and the movies are about the dark side of intimate relationships. I don’t think I need to get into any more detail than this.

There is a dark side to some things in life.  Stay away.  Seek the light of Jesus Christ in everything you do.

There is a dark side to some things in life. Stay away. Seek the light of Jesus Christ in everything you do.

Anytime you get into the dark side about anything in life….it surely does not represent God, the Holy Spirit and Jesus.

This movie will trigger a more disturbing trend into our society…as if we need more. Things that have been done in secret is going to be more out in the open. Women are already vulnerable as it is and we don’t need any more incentives that can lead to abuse of any kind.

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God made Intimate marriage relationships good!


God has included the beautiful side of personal relationships in the bible. Take time to read the book of Song of Solomon. It’s power packed with wonderful mental images of what God intended for a married man and woman.

We have to be very careful about what goes into our mind. You can look at a beautiful lake and it can be breath taking. People will want to take pictures in front of it. But if this lake had garbage strewn all around and the trees and grounds were overgrown… nobody would want to visit there. That is the way it is with our minds. Garbage in garbage out. The enemy is very subtle and you may think the images of what you see and hear don’t affect you but they do. They can make you feel dirty inside or you can watch, read and hear so much junk that you become immune to things we know God wouldn’t approve of.


Philippians 4:8-9 Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things. 9 The things you have learned and received and heard and seen in me, practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you.

That is why we must ….. walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh.( Galatians 5:16)

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God gave us a conscience. It’s built into our human DNA. We just know when something is not right. God gave us free will. We can choose to do right or wrong. When making a choice about what movie to see….tap into that conscience and make a decision in light of Jesus Christ.

Ephesians 6:10- 12 Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of His might. 11Put on the full armor of God, so that you will be able to stand firm against the schemes of the devil. 12For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the powers, against the world forces of this darkness, against the spiritual forces of wickedness in the heavenly places.…

(How I really feel. All forms of porn is a sin and even if it is dressed up as a movie or book…seemingly harmless. This can lead you down a path that can lead to all hell breaking loose in your life. Sex outside of marriage is wrong….Sex that is hurtful or vulgar is wrong. God invented sex and He made it to be a beautiful thing. Anything other than the way He intended it to be is out of order.

If sex seems nasty and you feel uncomfortable or bad…then it is! Even in a marriage. There is plenty of help if one has a problem in this area. Ask God to help you. You will feel better about yourself and you will be in a right place with God. Isn’t your soul worth more than doing something that displeases God? He sees what you think and do in secret. Do the right thing!)

Colossians 3:5 Put to death therefore what is earthly in you: sexual immorality, impurity, passion, evil desire, and covetousness, which is idolatry.

1 Corinthians 6:18 Flee from sexual immorality. Every other sin a person commits is outside the body, but the sexually immoral person sins against his own body.

1 Thessalonians 4:3-5 For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you abstain from sexual immorality; that each one of you know how to control his own body in holiness and honor, not in the passion of lust like the Gentiles who do not know God;

1 Corinthians 10:13 No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.

Mathew 5:28 But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart.

1 John 1:9 If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.

Ephesians 5:5 For you may be sure of this, that everyone who is sexually immoral or impure, or who is covetous (that is, an idolater), has no inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and God.

Hebrews 13:4 Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous.

Valentine’s Prayer…God is Love

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God bless you all and may you feel the love of our God deep in your heart today and every day!!!!

Originally posted on God Speaks I Listen:

1 John 4:8 Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love.

Today is Valentine’s Day and the name Valentine goes back to 269AD when a few Christians name Valentine from Terni and Rome were martyred and the celebration to honor them was on February 14th. But it wasn’t until the 14th century when a few poets from England wrote about love and a bird’s time for finding a mate in England… that this holiday really started to take form.

Whatever the true reason for this celebration…I believe it’s a great one… because the greatest fact about the nature of God our Father is……GOD IS LOVE! John 3:16 For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.

So… today as we think of those we love in…

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Genuine Repentance

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This is a topic close to my heart. Repentance bring life and joy back to the believer! It’s necessary for our relationship with God for the believer and non-believer.

Originally posted on Revelations In Writing:

As I continue to study the scriptures in Exodus, I am reminded of how important genuine repentance truly is. Often, saying that we are sorry is simple, yet allowing our hearts and minds to make a change is an entirely different story. Pharaoh was a perfect example of why we ought not wait to really repent. God sent Moses and Aaron to deliver a series of messages to Pharaoh, warning him of what would happen if he did not allow God’s people to go. Pharaoh was a master of double-talk, as he would be convinced in the moment of discomfort to allow the Israelites to leave, yet as soon as the plague had passed, he took back his words and denied them their desert departure.

After the seventh plague had been poured out upon Egypt, and hail had destroyed men, livestock and all of the land, Pharaoh responded. Then Pharaoh…

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Have you touched Jesus?

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touch jesus


As I was reading my bible study for today I was reading about the woman with the issue of blood. We all know that story very well:

Mark 5: 27-29 When she heard about Jesus, she came up behind him in the crowd and touched his cloak, because she thought, “If I just touch his clothes, I will be healed.” Immediately her bleeding stopped and she felt in her body that she was freed from her suffering.

Jesus said this 2 times:

“Who touched my clothes?”

Who touched me?’

Jesus is interested in the ….”Who”. Is that who me? Is that who you? Yes!!!!!

Jesus has such power in who He is!!!!!! When He was a man on earth… He had that much power to heal this woman. He is now in His supernatural all powerful state and has incredible power to take care of us and all we need to do is touch Him? 1 Peter 5:7 says…. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.

We must touch Jesus….First with acknowledging His Father and repenting for all wrong doing….then with our gratefulness for all He’s done for us…. And then adore Him with all the love from our hearts….then ask what you are in need of.

We must be all over Jesus…interacting with Him and having an ongoing daily and nightly…24/7 relationship Him. When we are in trouble we must reach out for Him.


Diana Ross recorded a song….”Reach out and touch. That’s what we need to do with Jesus! Sometimes it’s not easy to remember to do this throughout our day for every single need. We get distracted with all the daily drama.touch jesus 1

Speaking of drama… I bought a plastic sign the other day from the store that said… No drama!!


I’m just sick of drama!!!! But I tell you God wants our drama. He’s equip to deal with our drama it if we learn to reach out and… got it….touch Him!


Boldly reach out and grab hold of Jesus.  He wants you to!!!

Boldly reach out and grab hold of Jesus. He wants you to!!!

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