God Speaks I Listen

John 14:14  You may ask me for anything in my name, and I will do it.

We should pray with faith believing that God can do the thing we ask for. We MUST pray for God’s will. All answers to prayer will bring God glory. Gods will for us is what God thinks is for our good….in our best interest.  Joni Erikson Tada has been paralyzed for most of her life. In spite of her illness she has done tremendous things for God. If she had not gone through the accident that caused her paralysis, I really don’t think her life would have bought God as much glory. A second benefit of her illness is that, in heaven she will be greatly rewarded for all she has done and for all she has had to endure and yet kept the faith. Her suffering has benefitted her greatly in ways that we can never fully understand in this life. Philippians 1:29 For it has been granted to you on behalf of Christ not only to believe in him, but also to suffer for him,

An Oswald Chambers quote – “If you are going to be used by God, He will take you through a number of experiences that are not meant for you personally at all. They are designed to make you useful in His hands, and to enable you to understand what takes place in the lives of others.”

Romans 8:18 I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. 

Knowing that all things work together for our good and knowing that what God has planned for us in heaven is so mind blowing, I think Joni got the better end of deal. What God has planned for her eternal future far outweighs her present pain. You see…we don’t really get God and we really can’t. One day we will completely understand His decisions. Until then, we must press on in this life and we must endure no matter what.

I told God one day that I think that He is a little strange because with God pain and suffering is good and we are to count it all joy. This is a very hard concept to process. I said to Him if I were, God I would give everybody everything they wanted. But I had to think about myself with this line of thinking. I raised 6 children and I didn’t let my kids have everything they wanted because I didn’t want them to turn out spoiled and narcissistic. God is a far better parent than to let that happen to us!! So what is praying in God’s will? When you know His word and you have abided in Him you know what His will is. My kids knew better than to ask me for $200.00 for a pair of new sneakers. I know better than to ask God for a Rolls Royce! Know God, know His word, know how to follow the lead of the Holy Spirit and you’ll have a better chance of praying in God’s will.

What we think is best for us might have a negative outcome and could really be bad for us in the long run. God’s best for us might seem like a negative outcome especially if it involves some form of suffering but He always has our best interest in the forefront it will have an excellent outcome for sure! We should remember that we can ask God for anything at any time.  In this way we let Him know that we trust our Father God and look to Him for our support and help. It also keeps us stay encouraged knowing that a supernatural God is responsible for ALL that concerns us and He will answer when we call on Him.

Color is made up of a pigment called melanin and without this humans would all be the same color. I’m black and 64 years old.   Because of aging I have developed many very dark brown spots on my skin. I also have some spots on my skin where I’m losing melanin and I have spots of completely white skin. I’m amazed at the very dark spots and very white spots because it shows the contrast in different skin tones.

Skin only makes up about 12% of a person’s total body weight. People are losing their lives and fighting over 12% of who they are. Underneath the 12% of our skin we are all the same. Everyone’s blood is red, our organs are the same color and the tissue under the skin is the same color.

Chicken eggs come in white and brown. The shell is a small part of the egg. Once you break that egg open it’s the same. It contains a yoke and an egg white. No difference in taste or make-up.

All humans come from God first and our souls are sent down to earth and are produce through man and women’s union. The parents you got is what you got. You could be any color but you are who are.

When I was a little girl I thought people got their color from a unique way. I thought…God has big tubs of skin colors and when a baby was born God took the baby and dipped him in the color that matched the parents color. Then He put them on their hands and feet to dry that’s why our hands and feet have less color. Only in a childs mind! LOL!

I was born at a time when a person’s dark skin was a problem in society. My father and mother came from the south and lived in times of segregation. My parents told me stories of what they went through and what their parents endured.  My dad even  saw a man who had been lynched.  I saw a lot of racial occurrences on TV and have experienced it for myself in various ways. I got to the point as a child that I didn’t even want to be black because I thought black was bad. It has taken years for me to learn to be grateful for who God designed me to be.

To see that skin color is still an issue today in 2016 is not surprising to me. I do know this is not what God wants for humanity. Jesus sums it all up in this verse. John 13:34 “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another.

Dionne Warwick sang a song in 1967 called “What the world needs now”.

What the world needs now is love sweet love, It’s the only thing that there’s just too little of. What the world needs now is love sweet love, No not just for some but for everyone.

The world really does need love… but most of all the world needs Jesus Christ! This is the way to spread that kind of powerful love.

The Bible says this: Acts 17:26 From one man he made all the nations, that they should inhabit the whole earth; and he marked out their appointed times in history and the boundaries of their lands.

Adam was the first man and then all  humanity came from him. Over time God allowed different features and skin tones to develop. We all came from one man and we all are the same internally.

The government cannot make us all get along, community groups can’t make us get along and religion can’t make us get along. There is only one person who through His example and teachings can that can accomplish this and that is Jesus Christ. And that is only if we obey what it says in the book His Father gave us to follow… the Bible.

This is my personal plan about how I deal with racism:

1. Forgiveness is what is always in the fore front in my mind for anyone who has any negativity against me, my family and friends for any reason.
2. I will pray continuously for peace, love and unity. I will pray for any kind of violence to stop. I will pray against senseless killings of any kind for any reason. I will pray for people who hate.
3. I will let my light shine on anyone I come into contact with to show the love of God. In this way I can spread Jesus love on others. I will try to do random acts of kindness on others as much as possible.
4. I will be bold in my witness to anyone I come into contact with. The more people who know the gospel of Jesus Christ the more love can be spread.
5. I will look for opportunities for fence mending. I will try to make a difference where I can.

I live in the real world and know that there are many who may not want to sing Cum-ba-ya with me…but if I can affect one person and others can affect one person then we can have a powerful affect in this world.

As I said this is my personal plan. I know racism is a huge problem and it will take a lot more help than my little personal plan but if everyone can do their part…. Racism has been around a long time and it runs very deep. It can take generations to overcome just some of it. But if each generation pitches in… it can help it not to be as explosive as it’s heading for.

Mathew 5:9 Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God.

Luke 6:27 “But to you who are listening I say: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you,

When I was in labor I was like….”Oh NO! Not the excruciating pain of pregnancy!!!” I know what I’m talking about…I was pregnant 5 times!!! After that first wave of pain you’re not a happy camper. In fact I was more stressed out the 5^th time I pregnant because I knew what was getting ready to take place. Although I knew that I was about to experience the great joy of motherhood, I really didn’t care about that in the midst of all my pain. Labor pains are the some of the worst pains I’ve ever experienced. That’s why women scream their dag gone brains out. Someone needed to MAKE THIS PAIN STOP”!!!!!!

Romans 8:22 We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time.

Matthew 24:8 Nation will rise against nation, and kingdom against kingdom. There will be earthquakes in various places, as well as famines. These are the beginning of birth pains.

We are ALL experiencing some degree of this pain!! Earthquakes, tsunami’s, hurricanes, Tornado’s, floods, fire’s,9/11,many mass shooting, accidents, parents killing children, children killing parents, aids, rise in cancer, terrorism, racism, job loss, economic instability, viral breakouts and so on.

This is all very surreal and disturbing to us, but since these are biblical predictions that are coming to past we will have to learn how to deal with the “new normal”!!!

How do we deal with the new normal?

1. We need to abide (remain, dwell) in Jesus Christ. John 15: “I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. 6 If you do not remain in me, you are like a branch that is thrown away and withers; such branches are picked up, thrown into the fire and burned. 7 If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you. 8 This is to my Father’s glory, that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples. Unless you do this you will be swallowed up by fear and anxiety. You will become spiritually weak. You also risk not being in the right place with God and this could result in reduced blessings.
2. The minute anything happens or you have a need do this: 1 Peter 5:7 Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. Give ALL you cares, anxiety and worries over to the Lord!!! None of us are equip to deal with heavy burdens for extended periods of time without relief. God never intended that for us. Jesus is the burden bearer! If you are God’s child because you believe in Jesus Christ and His death and resurrection then you have “supernatural burden assistance“! If you’re not God’s child then you must bare suffering, pain, and heavy burdens all by yourself. You get no supernatural help, relief or comfort. Only the limited help money, a doctor, lawyer or a judge can help you with.
3. Stay prayed up. That means keep up you relationship by communicating with the Lord all day and night every day. Don’t wait until something happens and then pray. God is not Aladdin…He’s not a genie in a bottle that you rub and out pops your wish.
4. Don’t be scared to die! If you perish you perish because… Paul said “I am torn between the two: I desire to depart and be with Christ, which is better by far;” Philippians 1:23. When Stephen was being murdered He saw a beautiful sight. Acts 7:55-56 But Stephen, full of the Holy Spirit, looked up to heaven and saw the glory of God, and Jesus standing at the right hand of God. 56 “Look,” he said, “I see heaven open and the Son of Man standing at the right hand of God.” I think most people are afraid of being hurt or dying but I tell you the Holy Spirit is inside of you and He will be there until your time on earth is over. He will be a comfort to you even up to the very last second of your life. It seems like terror is threatening us everywhere. We should go on living our lives to the fullest because it is well with our soul. Psalms 118:6-8 6 The Lord is with me; I will not be afraid. What can mere mortals do to me? 7 The Lord is with me; he is my helper. I look in triumph on my enemies. 8 It is better to take refuge in the Lord than to trust in humans.
5. Try really, really, really hard to tell others about Jesus Christ. This is the great commission from the Lord to us all. This is what God has commanded us to do. Be inventive! Be approachable! Give your testimony about what God has done for you. Have it all ready to go. Be prepared. Carry a tract, bookmark, a little cross, church bulletin or anything to hand someone. Invite acquaintances over or out for a cup of coffee. PEOPLE NEED THE LORD!!!
6. Make a big effort to read your bible. Buy a new one that you can understand and relate to. There are so many good study bibles out there.
7. Begin every morning with prayer for traveling mercies and safety for your whole family! I can tell you this has REALLY helped my husband and I have peace of mind every day. We have seen God do many miracles because of our morning prayers.
8. Learn to stop saying why God why? Instead say….”Whoa God Whoa! (It’s ok to say whoa God LOL!) I’m like Whoa God that was something! I know you will help me with this situation!” When you get on the big rollercoaster at the park you don’t yell at the guy who turned on the ride.   As terrifying as it was you just yelled “whoa!” Well sometimes life with is terrifying. Go ahead and yell out “Whoa God! This is a crazy situation but look God my hands are up in the air showing you I’m trusting you.” “I’m buckled in this wild ride and it may swing me from side to side but I know you’ll be with me all the way. Whoa!”
9. Love God no matter what!!!!! Job 13:15 Though he slay me, yet will I hope in him;
10. I love the serenity Prayer:

The Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity To accept the things I cannot change; Courage to change the things I can; And wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time; Enjoying one moment at a time; Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; Taking, as He did, this sinful world As it is, not as I would have it; Trusting that He will make all things right If I surrender to His Will; So that I may be reasonably happy in this life And supremely happy with Him Forever and ever in the next. Amen.

(Written by: Reinhold Niebuhr 1892-1971)

Philippians 4:11 I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. 

Hang in there Ya’ll!!!                                                                                                                                     

As I was talking to you this morning God and I was telling you how much I love you… I was so overwhelmed as usual that I just wanted to be where you are. I love you more than my husband and children!  I just can’t stop thinking about you and I won’t stop thinking about you! I love you with my whole heart, mind, body and my soul. If I had my choice I’d be right at your throne kissing your feet.

I see you God…but I don’t. Can touch you God…but I can’t. I know where you are…but I don’t. I feel that close to you but I’m here and you’re there. I see you God…I really see….you in my spirit! You God make me feel your very breath from your mouth on my face mysteriously and supernaturally. This is what gives me the strength I need every day to keep going under the stress of my humanity. Your love is what gives me reason to get up every morning and want to take my next breath. Your love makes me want to tell others about your incredible gifts of forgiveness, salvation and eternal life. Your love has introduced me to your precious Son Jesus and the other wonderful person (Holy Spirit) who has guided me and comforted throughout my spiritual journey.

I cried so hard this morning when I felt your love for me. I had big tears that dripped down my face and wet up my clothes. I begged you to collect my tears and keep them close to you as a reminder that your children down here do really love you!

God…I believe everything in your word. It’s so real to me because of your love. Your love draws me like blessed oil. I get my bottle of blessed oil out and I pour it all over myself and bath myself in your love. It makes me smell so good so I go out and try to let others smell your goodness, mercy and love. Some love the smell and others are offended by the scent…but I just go back to you and get more blessed oil so I can go out and smell up this world with it.

God you are so incredible that I just can’t keep all your goodness inside me. The joy that I feel in my soul is so powerful. It has been a healing balm to my mind and heart. When I don’t get enough of you… I start to feel sick. There has even been times when I just didn’t know if I was gonna make it. But I know how to refresh my soul with your love and I get well again. I know that nothing will or can ever separate me from your love!!

I wish everyone knew about what your love can do. Your Son Jesus told us that the greatest commandment is to love you. Boy did Jesus give us the best advice! He knew what humanity needed and what I needed!

I want to thank Jesus and the Holy Spirit for all they’ve done to lead me to you. And God….I love you so very much!!

Your overwhelmed with your presence daughter,

Tanya

God I love you so much!  Save my good tears.  They’re for you!

Even before the Orlando Florida mass shooting I have smelled the stench of death in the air. I’ve never smelled that in real life but somehow I can smell it in my spirit. Its odor is lingering in the air over this entire world. For days I’ve been praying and knew that I had to write something…but what could possibly be said at this point? This year has been surreal so far because of how many people have been killed in mass shootings and singularly. The damage from natural disasters, flood, fires and accidents is off the charts. There is so much cancer that it’s mind blowing. New viruses, food contaminations and recalls are a constant threat. Just this morning on the news it was reported that a new superbug has been discovered that is resistant to all antibiotics. This is terrifying!

I’m disturbed by all this but not surprised because God spoke to me about all these things in 2008. This is the blog that I wrote about Gods plans: https://godspeaks-i-listen.com/2011/06/23/message-given-to-me-by-the-lord-in-2008-put-on-your-spiritual-ears/.

As I have been praying for days for a message to share I felt in my spirit to pray for mercy and God led me to read Daniels prayer.

Daniel 9:17-19 “Now, our God, hear the prayers and petitions of your servant. For your sake, Lord, look with favor on your desolate sanctuary. ¹⁸ Give ear, our God, and hear; open your eyes and see the desolation of the city that bears your Name. We do not make requests of you because we are righteous, but because of your great mercy. ¹⁹ Lord, listen! Lord, forgive! Lord, hear and act! For your sake, my God, do not delay, because your city and your people bear your Name.” (Please read Daniel 9:1-19 for the full prayer.)

This is a time for the righteous to cry out to the Lord for mercy. This is the answer for the problems humanity faces right now. We need mercy for ourselves, our family, our country and this world.

Hebrews 4:16 Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.

Mercy is God having compassion on humanity.

…“I will have mercy on whom I have mercy, and I will have compassion on whom I have compassion. “Romans 9:15

Another thing that will help in these tumultuous days is the second commandment that Jesus told us to do. John 13:34 “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another.

In USA in 2015 75% of American identify themselves as Christians. That could be lots of loving that could affect a lot of people. There were only 12 well trained disciples. There is the Holy Spirit. What can you and I do for the kingdom of God? The bible has our direct orders. Matthew 28:19-20 Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey all that I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.”

Why is all this drama going on now?

1. It was predicted in the bible. 2 Timothy 3:1-4 But mark this: There will be terrible times in the last days. ² People will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, ³ without love, unforgiving, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not lovers of the good, ⁴ treacherous, rash, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God…
2. Romans 1:28 Furthermore, just as they did not think it worthwhile to retain the knowledge of God, so God gave them over to a depraved mind, so that they do what ought not to be done. 2 Thessalonians 2:11 For this reason God sends them a powerful delusion so that they will believe the lie.
3. The God of the Old testament Judged Sodom and Gomorrah and the victims of the great flood in Noah’s days. Malachi 3: “For I, the LORD, do not change; therefore you, O sons of Jacob, are not consumed. 7“From the days of your fathers you have turned aside from My statutes and have not kept them. Return to Me, and I will return to you,” says the LORD of hosts. “But you say, ‘How shall we return?’…

If you follow my blog you’ve heard me say this many times…”God don’t play”!!!! God is not playing with us. I use to tell my kids that they were wearing out my patience! I would say stop trying me or you’re gonna get it. When they keep it up they got punishment because I didn’t want them to grow up and be out of control. I didn’t want them to grow up and do bad things so I was firm and consistent in my training. People use to say that I held no prisoners. The kids in the neighborhood use to call me the mean machine! My kids had to follow the rules or else…trouble. I did this because I loved them so much! I can so that I have 6 of the greatest adult children!!!

Those scripture above are NOT my thoughts or my words. I am not even gonna try to defend Gods ways because He is God all by Himself and all rules plans and judgements are in His hands alone. We all make choices for our individual actions and we have to answer to God for our personal decisions. But we also all suffer the consequences of humanities actions of disobedience when people break Gods order of things. His world, His creation and His rules!

COULD GOD BE SAYING THIS TO US?

I know what God requires of me and I’m doing my best to do what the bible says to do. Well I try to! I’m not perfect but I’m prayerfully trying hard with the help of the Holy Spirit.

I will ponder all that’s going on and I have and will continue to intercede in prayer for this world.

I will NOT be fearful but will do this…. So let us come boldly to the throne of our gracious God. There we will receive his mercy, and we will find grace to help us when we need it most. Hebrew 4:16

We need MERCY. This is the word that I hear very clearly.

What we should do:

2 Chronicles 7:14 if my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, and I will forgive their sin and will heal their land.

Why we should do it:

Ephesians 6:11-12  Put on the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil.¹² For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places.

The Lord is my light and my salvation whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life of whom shall I be afraid? ² When the wicked advance against me to devour me, it is my enemies and my foes who will stumble and fall. ³ Though an army besiege me, my heart will not fear; though war break out against me, even then I will be confident. ⁴ One thing I ask from the Lord, this only do I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to gaze on the beauty of the Lord and to seek him in his temple. Psalms 27:1-4

Dear Heavenly Father, Glory to your Holy name! All honor and praise belongs to you. Holy Father I want to ask you to forgive me for not trusting you as much as I should and for the doubts that I’ve had about what you can do for me when I ask for help. Forgive me for being silent about life issues that I know you oppose which is straight up sin because it goes against your word. Forgive me for all the many times I felt the Holy Spirit urging me to speak to someone and I felt more comfortable keeping silent. Oh God I’m so sorry! I want to and need to be clean inside. I know the prayers of a righteous person can do a lot of good for this suffering world, country, my community, my home and my house whole. Help me to follow the example in what to do that your precious, loving and caring Son provided for me to follow. I want to be just like Him!

Father God….please please please have mercy on us all. We need you! God there are humbled hearts everywhere down here. There are intercessors praying and pleading on behave of this world that’s in the travails of labor. Here our cry and have mercy on us!

Thank you for creating us, thank you for sending your Son Jesus Christ so we can be put right with you. Thank you for past victories, present victories and future victories! You are the great “I AM” and I know you can and will handle all I may go through and I know you will answer my prayers. That’s why I am before you crying for you to have mercy on us!!! I boldly ask these things in Jesus name. Amen!

My husband and I just got finished watching the original “Jaws”. The famous line from that blockbuster movie is… “You’re gonna need a bigger boat”. I was thinking about this line for a Christian movie “You’re gonna need a holier church”. Why? Because the church is facing some very perilous and challenging times and it’s not going to get any better as predicted in the bible. In order to be in a position to deal with what we’re facing now and in the future, we need to be in a right place with God. He commands us to be holy as He is.

James 5:16   Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective. Yup… powerful and effective is what the church needs to be right now!

In the movie Jaws the famous line was said after they were chasing the shark that they thought was regular size but then they realized that the shark was so much bigger than they had anticipated. I have noticed that our country has taken a sharp turn down a road leading to very intimidating and scary things. Recent current events have revealed extremely dangerous situations and the world is growing much darker than anticipated.

Has holiness gone out of style? Is sin old school? NO! Is holiness really necessary? Absolutely YES! The church (you and I) can go real far on holiness!  It is written: “Be holy, because I am holy.” 1 Peter 1:16

Proverbs 21:21 He who pursues righteousness and loyalty finds life, righteousness and honor. If we pursue righteousness and live a holy life then a blessed life WILL surely follow!!! Righteousness makes us holy before God. Confessing our sins opens that door to righteousness in our lives. What will that do to the church? It will put us in position for favor from God. We will have power to spread the gospel and promote the kingdom of God.

Acts 1:8 But you will receive power when the Holy Spirit comes on you; and you will be my witnesses in Jerusalem, and in all Judea and Samaria, and to the ends of the earth.” In this verse you can see that we do have power through Jesus Christ by way of the Holy Spirit. If we “the church” are not living a holy life then how can we go out into the highways and byways and do kingdom work affectively?

2 Chronicles 7:14 if my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, and I will forgive their sin and will heal their land.

“You’re gonna need a holier church!”

Genesis 2:7 Then the LORD God formed a man from the dust of the ground and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life, and the man became a living being.

Food for thought for today:

Adam the first human was NOT born a baby. He was already a full-grown man. If God could instantly create a full grown man could not have God created a fully developed aged earth in 6 days? Just food for thought.

To the only God our Savior be glory, majesty, power and authority, through Jesus Christ our Lord, before all ages, now and forevermore! Amen.

Since the suicide of my son in laws son Patrick…my step grandson, I have been doing a lot of thinking. I’ve attended many funerals over the years but never one of a suicide victim. I was filled with deep emotion as I looked at this 18 year old teenager laying so still in that casket. The room was filled with things that pertained to his life…Boy Scouts…altar boy…even his baby blanket was there. The reason why I was so stunned was because I really got a look at the devastation caused from taking ones own life. I saw what it looked like up close and personal. I was looking at what my life was almost going to be like many years ago. I tried to commit suicide the first time when I was 12 years old. Would my family have put my things out like that I wondered? Would anyone have really cared that I was gone?

From the massive amount of people at Patrick’s wake and funeral service I would have to say…”oh my goodness thank God I didn’t succeed in doing that to myself”. His parents, close family, friends, many children and teenagers who were there were so deeply affected. I sat and watch everyone’s face as they came up to view Patrick and greet the family. Everyone was so grief stricken.

I tried to commit suicide again when I was about 30 years old. I was married and had 3 small children at the time. I saw through Patrick’s decision what I might have done to my family and I was shocked by the overwhelming grief that I might have caused. I didn’t know or consider anyone else’s feelings at all!! It never crossed my mind! Sadly… I only cared about my own suffering at the time.

The morning of Patrick’s funeral was a beautiful day outside. As I entered the church I was so overwhelmed with the massive size and the beauty of the building. I’m sure there have been many stunning weddings and happy baby christenings there. But not on this day. This day a father, a uncle and Patrick’s friends would usher him down the aisle with their eyes filled with tears. The Priest tried his best to say encouraging words to the family and his words were comforting but the sting of the situation was still burning deeply in everyone’s hearts.  I couldn’t conceive of what could have been my family’s fate had I done this.

On our way to the cemetery, I think there were about 2 miles of cars following the police escort and the hearse. As I walked up to the tent covering the casket, flowers and chairs set up for the family I was like “no no, this just can’t be!!!” It was like I was Ebenezer Scrooge from the novel “A Christmas Carol” watching my life as it could have been. I just didn’t know that it would be this bad for those who were left to pick up the broken pieces of their lives and my life that I had left for them to deal with.

I want to let everyone know…when a person makes it up in their mind to do this that we have no idea…no thoughts on what this will do to anyone at that moment in time!! We don’t do it to get back at anyone…we just want out of our torturing pain…that’s all. We feel so much excruciating pain and think there is no help or cure. There is NOTHING…NOTHING…NOTHING that anyone can do to stop what we want to do to ourselves at that moment!!! We would have needed to be watched 24 hour a day 7 days a week and that was only if you knew what was in our head before hand. I had help…I had counseling…I had medication…I had a wonderful caring husband…but my heart was completely crushed from my mind being completely diseased by mental illness! My husband would have blamed himself and my kids as the got older would have blamed me for leaving them.

People who knew me would have never suspected that I was in this deep hole. In public I looked OK. This illness is invisible to the naked eye. Nobody can see what is in the deep recesses of anyone’s mind.

I was spared from putting my loved ones though this because…because…because…umm… I don’t know why. I do know that I did attempt to get help that’s why I signed myself into a mental institution for a month. When that didn’t work I begged God to help me…and He did!  It was a battle between a part of my mind telling me to take my life and my heart saying don’t do it. It was torturous to go through this battle all day every day and even through the night. You get very weary from the stress of dealing with your feelings of gloom. All it takes is a time of deep sadness and gut wrenching crying to be pushed over the edge. When you’re feeling worthless and extremely hopeless before you realize it you’re in a very deep, dark trancelike state and you quickly make a decision to end your PAIN. People could have tried talking to me and that would NOT have helped me at all. I guess you can say that I was NOT in my right mind.

Most people have a will to live and when you lose that will it sets off a malfunction in the brain or in other words mental illness. Brain malfunction is where the cure needs to be focused.  The brain is made up of chemicals that control our emotions and feelings.  If those chemicals get off balanced then there’s a problem.

As long as people feel that mental illness is embarrassing it will stay in the closet in a person’s life. It has in the past been thought of as a person being possessed by evil and others negative things so who would want to tell anybody they are suffering from this? Some people will talk about there desire to commit suicide and others hide it completely.  I was very very embarrassed about having this disease!  I felt so ashamed of feeling like a total failure and that I was possibly out of my mind.

I want to say to families left behind by this please please please don’t blame yourself!! Getting a look at this from my point of view from have been on both sides of this… as an almost victim to one of those left behind…it was out of your hands…out of your control!!! It was negative thinking in our distressed and severely dysfunctional mind. Be mad at cancer, be mad at diabetes, be mad at MS, and be mad at mental illness.

The priest at Patrick’s funeral gave this wonderfully helpful scripture verse that I want to share with you:

Matthew 11:29-30 Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. ³⁰ For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.”

I told Patrick’s mom that I was praying for her and she said that God gave her strength and she felt peace come over her. I know this scripture verse is what happened to her. When you are a Christian the scriptures which is God’s words to us will help us get through everything we may go through in life. Life is hard and we are going to need help. The bible says that we will go through difficult things. 1 Peter 4:12 Dear friends, do not be surprised at the fiery ordeal that has come on you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you. It also says that God will be close at these times. Psalms 23:4 Even when I walk through the darkest valley, I will not be afraid, for you are close beside me. Your rod and your staff protect and comfort me.

Because I’m still here I feel I must tell others about Gods love. I want to spread the good news of Jesus Christ so that others can have the help and love they need for their lives. I want to encourage as many people as I can through my music and my blog. I have been speaking out about my experience with depression and suicide and will continue to do so even more in memory of Patrick. This is my mission now.

I want to leave you with this powerful scripture: John 3:16 For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that WHOEVER BELIEVES in him shall not perish but have eternal life.

This blog is dedicated to Patrick Connor Merrick 1998-2016.

We celebrate all the wonderful memories that we each had with him in his life. We celebrate all his milestones and achievements. And we will be thankful for all the lives who will be touched by his story and hopefully will lead to many lives being spared through “Suicide Awareness” a life threatening illness.

May God bless all those who made their way to this blog for one reason or another.

http://actionallianceforsuicideprevention.blogspot.com/

http://www.crisistextline.org/textline/?gclid=CjwKEAjwg6W6BRDn6v__7vzN9QkSJAC9l9C3CrS4Haq8SMz9T-LYmlOQuzfYYuJtRCecgTttV3IEYhoCByrw_wcB

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline Provides help to those in suicidal crisis or emotional distress. Call 1-800-273-8255

Help and prevention is possible!

…

1 John 5:19 We know that we are from God, and the whole world lies in the power of the evil one.

This is not your everyday happy and peppy topic but I feel very strongly that you need this information today. The devil and demons are trying to…bring you down!  They want to keep you from truth!!! They want you to take your focus off of God and place your focus on him!!

So can we talk about the devil right now? First I want to let you know that satan can NOT be everywhere…but his influences are far reaching through his demonic army of demons. We all know the story of lucifer a good angel who sinned against God and was kicked out of heaven with 1/3 of the sinful angels. THIS IS A TRUE STORY! Then he landed on earth and got a hold of the first humans and began his plot to destroy God creations by sending them to an eternal damnation. But there was already a preplan in the works to kick his butt and destroy his plot!

Yup…even that cute baby Romans 3:23

So basically not only was our physical DNA jacked up, but so was our spiritual DNA. In other words we were born bad. That’s right….that cute little newborn baby…jacked up spiritually! It’s a fact! Don’t let that cute little face fool you! Romans 3:23 for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God,. All means all regardless of age. It is SO SO SO important that soon as your toddler/child can understand anything,  that you to start disciplining them ASAP.  Teach them about Jesus, teach them obedience and teach them good morals.

So now humans have a big problem….but wait…..Jesus said… “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” John 16:33  Jesus came to our rescue!! Thank you Jesus!

I feel these days that satan is getting far too much publicity and praise for his exploits!!! He just ain’t all that! I do agree that he is a supernatural being and so are the demons but let’s remember that Jesus has already defeated these evil beings. They can only go but so far in our lives because Jesus has all authority over them! We who are Gods children are blessed to be under Gods protection. This doesn’t mean that we aren’t going to suffer. We will but we have privileges as  children of God. We have amour and weapons available for us also!! Demons can and do mess with our lives. This is why we MUST study the bible to find out all that God has promised us as His children for our protection and strength!!!!

2 Corinthians 10:4-5 For though we live in the flesh, we do not wage war according to the flesh. 4The weapons of our warfare are not the weapons of the world. Instead, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. 5We tear down arguments, and every presumption set up against the knowledge of God; and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.…

So how do we deal with the devil? Let’s understand that all the evil thoughts and bad influence are already here on earth. The devil has already affected and infected our flesh.  He has already affect this planet!  satan cannot influence each individual at the same time, he cannot be everywhere at the same time, only God can.

The devil already did his dirt with us!! We were born with a sin nature. I believe the devil himself has and does influence especially evil people such as hitler, charles mansion and the such. He also is responsible for evil acts like 9/11. satan does have an army of demons to carry out his bidding so we do battle daily attacks from these horrid creatures.

We  MUST stay bible studied up and prayed up at all times because our flesh wants to do what the flesh wants to do. It’s in our spiritual DNA. It was a major deadly disease at one point in our lives until we believed and received the cure which is Jesus Christ.

People need to stop all this satan and demon chasing and do more Jesus chasing. Yeah…we should know our enemy but we don’t need to keep talking about what he does all the time. We should do this… Ephesians 6:10-11 Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes.

If you want the devil to have less power over you Know what God’s word says!!!!

Submit yourself to God!!!!

If you don’t want to talk about the devil or deal with this information then I implore you to please deal with this. Not knowing your enemy or how to deal with him is far more dangerous for you.

Below are some very informative and encouraging scriptures. Please read them all. You will be so comforted to know how blessed a child of God is. If you are not a child of God you are in big trouble. You have no protection, help or angels battling for you! You are basically on your own without Jesus Christ as your Savior. You’ve heard of the Jesus story and for whatever reason you have chosen not to believe. Read these scriptures below:

1 John 3:8 The one who does what is sinful is of the devil, because the devil has been sinning from the beginning. The reason the Son of God appeared was to destroy the devil’s work.

Ephesians 2:1-3 And you were dead in the trespasses and sins 2 in which you once walked, following the course of this world, following the prince of the power of the air, the spirit that is now at work in the sons of disobedience— 3 among whom we all once lived in the passions of our flesh, carrying out the desires of the body and the mind, and were by nature children of wrath, like the rest of mankind.

Colossians 1:12-13 and giving joyful thanks to the Father, who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of his holy people in the kingdom of light. ¹³ For he has rescued us from the dominion of darkness and brought us into the kingdom of the Son he loves,

1 John 4:4 Little children, you are from God and have overcome them, for he who is in you is greater than he who is in the world.

Psalms 23:4 Even though I walk through the darkest valley I will fear no evil, for you are with me;

Psalms 27 1-3 The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? the Lord is the strength of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?² When the wicked, even mine enemies and my foes, came upon me to eat up my flesh, they stumbled and fell.3 Though an host should encamp against me, my heart shall not fear: though war should rise against me, in this will I be confident.